Fine Line

Have you taken time to meet our Featured Family of the Week, the McMillian Family? They are in process and trying to raise the last remaining funds for their private domestic adoption. Please pop on over when you get a chance and donate $1 this week.

I’m blessed to have several close friends of mine that represent the three different sides of the adoption triad- birthmother, adoptive mother, and child.  I find that my conversations that I have with each of them have become more and more valuable as I travel my path as an adoptive mother.

A friend of mine is the adoptive mother of two little girls.  She has fairly open relationships with both of her girls’ birthmothers, and we often talk about how that impacts their lives compared to the completely closed relationship we have with our son’s birth family.  She has fairly regular contact with each birth mother, so is aware of lifestyle choices that are made.

As her oldest daughter is getting closer to an age where she would become more aware of what’s going on in her birth mothers life, my friend struggles with what information to pass on.  Of course, you want your child to have a positive view point of their birthfamily, but what if you make it too nice and cozy?  Are you then setting the situation up for a tween/teenager fight about wanting to go back to live with their birthparents, because they seem so great?  Remember, I WAS that adoptive teenager who wanted anything except my parents house rules, even though I knew nothing about my birthmother, surely she HAD to be better then my parents. 

It’s also difficult to filter out some of the not so great decisions that are made.  I know that both of us have access to pictures/information of our children’s birth parents making less the wise decisions.  In our case, there is drug use, unsafe decisions, and prescription drug abuse documented in an instagram account.  I don’t plan on saving those pictures for Isaac, but those are the choices that are being made at this time, which depending on consequences, might come out eventually.  I dug through both facebook accounts and instagram accounts trying to find pictures that I could save for when he was older to show him pictures of his birth family.  While doing this, I struggled to find ones that I was comfortable with my future toddler and school age child seeing.  There were very few that didn't have drugs or alcohol in them. 

We understand that these are their own lives, and their own decisions, but my friend and I both agree; these decisions influence the amount of contact and type of information we are willing to share as our children grown up.  In this age of technology and ‘connected-ness’, information is so readily available… but what if you aren’t comfortable with all that information?

From Open to Closed

Just another reminder to check in and meet our cute little Family of the Week, the Caulk Family! If you haven't yet donated your $1 this week, we sure would love it if you followed the link on their post to donate to help bring home their newest little one. Next, we have a featured post from Jennifer discussing her family's pursuit of an open adoption.

When we first signed up with our agency, we told them that our preference was to have a semi-open adoption, with all contact with the birth family to go through the agency.  After we were matched with our first expectant mother, we found our views changing.  As we got to know her, we could see her in our life, texting, sending emails, etc.  Though that match failed, our feelings toward an open relationship didn't, and we changed our status with the agency.

When we were matched with Isaac's birth parents, we met them later that week at a restaurant for a long lunch.  We talked a lot, and part of it was about communication expectations.  We told them we were open to have communication with the directly, but also agreed to send letters and pictures to the agency several times during his first year.  They were in a time of transition, and were going to move states within months of Isaac's birth, so everything going to the agency was the best solution for them.

We didn't see either of them again until Isaac was born, and even then we only saw his birthfather briefly, while he stood in the hallway waiting for the nurses to take her to recovery after the c-section.  Once they went to court to have their parental rights terminated, we were able to take physical custody of Isaac, but still couldn't leave the state while ICPC was getting approved.  We talked to the social worker, and asked her to pass on our willingness to meet with them before we left for home.  They decided not to meet with us, so our next contact was the letter we sent to the agency, one month after placement.

We've written four more letters.  All of them are sitting at the agency.  Unrequested.  We'll continue to write letters, until he's 18 if we need to.  We want Isaac to know we've tried to open communication, so that he could have a relationship.  That was our promise to him the day they put him in our arms, that we would always support a relationship with his birth family.

We've found out through looking at their facebook pages that they indeed did move, called off their engagement, and his birthfather moved back home.  We've struggled with the decision to contact them on facebook through a message, but what do we say?  How do we not pry or offend them?  How do you gently try to open up a relationship, for the sake of your child?  And if it doesn't work, how do you explain it to them when he gets older? 

For now we just wait, undecided on what to do, and wonder if this closed relationship will ever be open.  

Closed Adoption and Birthparent Tracing - Jennifer's Story

Have you taken time to meet our Featured Family of the Week, the Caulk Family? They are in process and trying to raise the last remaining funds for their domestic adoption. Please pop on over when you get a chance and donate $1 this week. (Roman thanks you.) Today's blog post comes from Jennifer and offers an adoptee's perspective into reaching out to a birthparent. A huge hug goes out to Jenn for offering us a window into her life to better understand adoption in our own families.

Growing up, I always knew that I would want to find my birthmother. Because of laws in my state I would have to wait until I was 18, but was reassured by my parents that they supported the search.

My 18th birthday came, I moved into a dorm, started college, and broke up with my high school boyfriend. I wasn't ready to bring the emotion it would take to begin the search, and possibly start a relationship. It wasn't until a year later that I was ready to begin the search.

After calls to my parent's lawyer, my birthmother's lawyer, and the state vital records office, I had a plan. My brithmothers lawyer warned me that though she hadn't talked to her in years, I need to be prepared that she wouldn't want contact at all. That was a blow, but I continued on my search.

The state I was born in, New Mexico, didn't allow me access to my records, instead they had 'intermediaries' that had been trained in confidentially practices and how to legally search. We contacted one off the approved list, Linda, and my parents paid her fee. I knew they always supported me looking for my birth family, but them paying the cost for the search showed me how supportive they truly were. After a few weeks, I received a call from Linda saying that she had found my birthmother, so I should begin writing my letter. She explained that this might be the one and only contact I'll ever have with my birthmother, and I need to put the most important information at the top of my letter (opening lines), because she might not read the whole thing.

I wrote several drafts, each one being edited by Linda for confidentiality purposes. I couldn't write "I'm a sophomore at the University of New Mexico", I had to just say I was in college. I thought that was funny, because I WANTED her to find me, why would info about me be an issue?

Every draft began the same way though I just wanted to say thank you. More than anything I needed her to know how grateful I was for the decision she had made. I didn't know much of our story, just that she was young, and had gotten pregnant by an older man, who was married and had a family. I knew she was sent to New Mexico to live with a relative while she was pregnant, and then flew back to New York. I know it caused a rift in her family. I know I was blessed by it.

Linda sent the letter, and a week or so later, she called me saying it did not go over well. My birthmother called her and was very angry she had been contacted. Linda advised me that all hope was not lost, she might calm down and change her mind. I was discouraged, but at least I could say that I had tried.

Several weeks later, I received another phone call from Linda. My birthmother had contacted her again, apologized, and asked for a way to contact me. She preferred email, so I gave Linda my address and anxiously awaited an email.

The first email came later that night, and we corresponded for several weeks over email. She then asked for my number so she could call. I remember I was walking between classes on campus when she called.

We talked for over an hour that first time. Our conversations were a lot asking questions and giving answers on both our parts. Our relationship grew, though there are still trust issues that have had to be overcome.

Going through the adoption process with our son, it made me think of the type of relationship he would have with his birthparents. Would it be though handwritten letters, or more likely, over email and FaceTime?

How has modern technology influenced the relationship with your child's birth families?

National Adoption Month

As we begin November, we leave all the pink ribbons behind in October.  Everyone knows what they represent and honor.  You can buy you're cereal with a pink ribbon on it, and even the NFL players are willing to wear pink one day a month.   Now that the month is behind us, the pink doesn't seem to be plastered everywhere.  However, do you know that November is known for something too, it's National Adoption Month.

There was quite the conversation that many of my friends on Twitter had.  Many of them had been touched by adoption, either as an adoptive mother or a birth mother.  It was during that conversation that my opinion about this being a 'special adoption month' changed.  Many times, this month is seen as a celebration, however this celebration often leaves out one critical part of the adoption triad.  Though the adoptive parents are beyond thrilled to celebrate the addition's to their family, it ignores the third side of the adoption triad, the birth families.  Though they may celebrate the life their child has, their pain and grief are mostly ignored for this month.

Our family has chosen not to celebrate this month anymore than we celebrate each day Isaac is in our life.  Instead, our goal is to bring awareness to all the many different aspects and types of adoption.   Though our family chose to adopt domestically through an agency, there is also foster to adopt, and kinship adoption, and private adoptions that happen.  These are each important and special types of adoption, often clouded by assumptions and misinformation by the general public.

As we go through this month, I think of Isaac's birthmother.  She's on my mind often, but the frequency increases when he hit's milestones and around holidays.  I think of how no one in her family knows what a brave woman she is, putting her son's life above her own feelings.  The only person that knows about the adoption is Isaac's birthfather, who lives several states away from her.  I often pray that the hurt and grief will become lessened  and that she will be able to find joy, no matter how small, in Isaac's life.  Though we don't have contact with his birth family at this time, I am lucky to know several birth moms.  They have each opened my eyes to the daily struggle and joy that they feel.  I am grateful for my friendship with them, because  they have made me much more aware and sensitive to the third, and often forgotten, side of the adoption triad.  

May you think of them too, and honor them with me.

Adoption Through Two Generations

This might look like any other family picture to you, grandparents glowing while their child and spouse hold the newest member of their family. And that’s what it is, in essence. My parent’s coming to visit my husband and I right after we got home with our son, Isaac.  However, to me, this picture is so much more.  It’s the happy ending that a mother promised her daughter would come.  

It was the answer to prayers that had been said.  It is the proof that all the tears and longings that those two women had for a family had been worth it.  It shows me how beautiful and wonderful adoption truly is.  

Because, in this picture, there isn't just one adoptive mother, but two.

My parents had been married 17 years when they adopted me.  They had been working with the state (who did all the adoptions at that time), but were actually matched with my birthmother through my Mom’s OB/GYN.  I was born on Saturday, and they got the call to ‘get ready’.  My Mom, Dad, and Grandma went on a shopping spree to prepare for me on Sunday, and my parents brought me home Monday (my Grandma’s birthday!). 

I know my adoption story.  Always have.  My parents started using ‘positive adoption language’ when I was very young, but to them, they were just doing the right thing.  They had no desire to hide anything, just to let me know how loved I was, by everyone involved.  Because I was born in the early 1980’s, it was a closed adoption, and since it was private, my parents got very little information from my birthmothers lawyer.  They knew basic info, height, complexion, age, hair color, eye color, where her family originated from, but nothing much more.   

As I grew older, they shared a bit more ‘age appropriate’ stuff with me, like the fact that my birthfather had been married, but had an affair that I was a product of.  That I have a half brother or sister very close in age, because both his wife and my birthmom were pregnant at the same time.  That the adoption plan my birthmom had made caused quite the conflict in her families relationships.  After that info, there wasn’t much more that they had, and with my records sealed, I would have to wait until I was 18 to try to get more info. 

As we were going through fertility treatments, I asked my Mom how she survived everything.  She had been diagnosed with endometriosis, and wasn’t ever given any treatment options.   I wondered how she made it through all of her friends getting pregnant, the baby shower invites, the newborns in church.  She shared stories, some that made me laugh, and some that made me realize, she knew the exact pain and hurt that I did.  We talked about her never being able to get pregnant, whereas I could get pregnant, but never could maintain the pregnancy.  We decided they each have their own type of pain and sadness.  

It was nice to know, that when I was sad, or depressed, or angry, that I had someone who had been there before that I could talk to.  Friends are great, but nothing beats a Mom who will listen to you, and TRULY understand what you are talking about.

When Travis and I began down the adoption path, we of course bounced a lot of things off my parents.  They had been here before, though we quickly realized our paths were quite different.  Many things have changed in the adoption world, and differences were a surprise to my parents.  As we went through our 8hr+ home study interviews and questioners, my Mom dug out their 2 page report that their social worker had written saying they were fit to have a child in their home.  As we agonized over our profile book, my Mom wondered how much my birthmother knew about them before she placed me with them.  When we were nervously driving the 8 hours to go meet our son’s birthparents, she told us she would never have had enough courage to do that.  While we were holding our son minutes after he was born, she wondered if she would have had the strength to do that, knowing that the placement might not happen. 

For us, each of those steps was just one more thing we had to do to bring Isaac home.  We really had no choice in most of them, because many agencies have similar requirements.  Just like, 29 years ago, my parents did what they had to do to bring me home, and just like 7years later, they did anything to bring my little brother home.  

Adoption isn’t easy, but you just do whatever you have to.  And the reward is worth it.   

I remember in the days after we got Isaac home, when it was just my Mom with us, she stood in my bathroom with me as I was holding Isaac and put her arms around both of us and cried.  After so many years of sad tears, from both of us, these were tears of joy.  

In that moment, she embraced her life, and how it had been blessed by adoption.  Through two generations.

Give 1 Domestic Adoption Blog Hop

Okay, to be honest we stole this cute idea from our friends over on our Give1 Caribbean page. We do not have a family to feature this week so we will be posting as usual and sending out applications to those that contact us! Please let us know if we can assist you with raising funds for your domestic adoption! So far we have raised over $1700 for just TWO FAMILIES!!!!


Just what is the Give1Save1 Domestic blog hop?  It's a simple way to share your personal blog with others, check out other blogs and simply connect with families who are going through a similar process as you.  At the end of the week we will have a collection of blogs to read through.  The more involvement we have and word spreads, the more blogs will be added. It will be so much fun to read some new blogs and encourage new adoption friends throughout their journey to their precious little ones!


So here are the simple rules:




<img border=”0″ src="img src="http://i897.photobucket.com/albums/ac178/bennettjacob/G1S1DomesticButtonBH.jpg" /></a>

• You must have a blog about domestic adoption to participate in this blog hop.
• Enter your blog address below in the space provided as well as the blog name.
• The blog hop will go on for one week so you are able to add your blog address until next Monday (Aug. 13th). After that, readers will still be able to find your blog address here on this post, but no more submissions will be allowed after the 13th.
• Spread the word! Create a post on your blog about the blog hop so your readers can find a great collection of adoption blogs and be sure to include the link to this specific post.
• Check out the other blogs listed. Click around and leave comments for people who have linked up their blogs. You can let them know you found them through the blog hop. If it's successful, we can do more blog hops in the future.

Our hopes are that this fun little blog hop will further connect our domestic adoption community. I'd also love to read about each of your families and what your adoption process has been like. Hopefully many families participating in the hop will be represented by Give1Save1 in the weeks and months to come.

How a Closed Adoption is Opening My Eyes

When I started on the path to adoption, I did not know if I wanted an open, semi-open, or closed adoption.*  My gut was telling me that I wanted a closed adoption because of all the horror stories that were being disseminated by those with zero knowledge of adoption.  Specifically, the stories concerning an open adoption included the birthparents either (a) coming to my house to take my child in the night; (b) coming my house at least once a week confusing my child; (c) convincing my child to go live with them; or (d) guilting me into giving them their every desire because of the gift they gave me.  My rationale/logical mind knew that all of the above was crazy, but my stressed-out/confused/anxious/paranoid self believed it all.  The bad stuff is easier to believe than the good sometimes, especially when it comes to adoption.

Well, as it turned out, the decision was not mine to make.  The birthmother wanted the adoption closed.

I had limited knowledge of our birthmother, her circumstances, or her appearance.  One thing I did know, however, is that we lived in the same city.

I received the call that she was going to deliver, so my husband and I rushed to the hospital.  I knew her mother would be there, and maybe some friends, but I had no idea who they were.  Every person that walked by was scrutinized… “Is that her mom?”  “Is that her friend?”  “Is that the birthfather?”  (By the way, the scrutinization of every almost ever person never goes away when you live in the same town as the birthparents.)

For months after her birth, I stared at my daughter wondering where her long eyelashes came from, her fair hair and skin, her grin, her eye color, her appetite and her height.  When you have an open adoption, you have the answer to most of those questions; but in a closed adoption, you have very few answers, if any.

Speaking of answers, that is what my daughter is going to be wanting in a few years.  “Who is my birthmother?”  “Who is my birthfather?”  “Why am I tall?”  “Why did they place me for adoption?” “Why? Why? Why?”  I may have a few answers and educated guesses – but the people with the true answers will be virtually unavailable.

The situation I thought I wanted is starting to seem the most precarious.  I would love to be able to tell our birthmom how beautiful our daughter is, how smart, funny, and talented she is.  I’d love to see their resemblance, and have my daughter see it, too.  I’d love to know if they have the same laugh, sense of humor, taste in food.  I’d love to be able to get the answers to the questions that are going to be inevitable.  I’d love… I’d love… I’d love…  But you know the thing I would love the most?  To be able to thank her for the most loving and selfless thing a woman could ever do.  To thank her for making my life complete and my heart smile.  And to thank her for making me a mom.

I hope someday to be able to do just that – to thank her.  There is a possibility that we will get to meet our birthmom someday, but that’s another post for another day!


<3 Samantha


*Please note that the use of “I” in this post is for ease of writing only… my husband had a 50% say in what happened throughout our adoption process!