My Favorite Book

Have you met our Family of the Week?  Go click over and meet the Foster's and end your Friday by blessing them with $1!

When we started the adoption process, I happened to be working as a long term sub at a local school.  It was a unique school set up due to the students that were enrolled there, so there ended up being 3 programs in one big room (the old library).  One of the programs was run by an adoptive mother.  She had a beautiful little girl, and an open adoption.

The friendship we developed over those 12 weeks has stuck around.  She helped me navigate the adoption questionnaires, gave advice on our profile book, and let me chat her ear off.  She also bought a whole bunch of books for our future child.  One of them was
"God Found Us You" by Lisa Tawn Bergren. 

 

It is probably one of my favorite books in our home, but doesn't get read that often, simply because every time I read it aloud, I end up crying. 

 

Isaac has just begun to understand emotions, and thinks that if there are tears, then you're sad.  The last time I read it to him, I finished the book, and he looked at me and said, "Momma, sad?".

 

I smiled and gave him a hug, reassuring him that no, Momma wasn't sad, but just like Momma Fox in the book, I was the "happiest Momma in the whole world."

 

Closed Adoption and Birthparent Tracing - Jennifer's Story

Have you taken time to meet our Featured Family of the Week, the Caulk Family? They are in process and trying to raise the last remaining funds for their domestic adoption. Please pop on over when you get a chance and donate $1 this week. (Roman thanks you.) Today's blog post comes from Jennifer and offers an adoptee's perspective into reaching out to a birthparent. A huge hug goes out to Jenn for offering us a window into her life to better understand adoption in our own families.

Growing up, I always knew that I would want to find my birthmother. Because of laws in my state I would have to wait until I was 18, but was reassured by my parents that they supported the search.

My 18th birthday came, I moved into a dorm, started college, and broke up with my high school boyfriend. I wasn't ready to bring the emotion it would take to begin the search, and possibly start a relationship. It wasn't until a year later that I was ready to begin the search.

After calls to my parent's lawyer, my birthmother's lawyer, and the state vital records office, I had a plan. My brithmothers lawyer warned me that though she hadn't talked to her in years, I need to be prepared that she wouldn't want contact at all. That was a blow, but I continued on my search.

The state I was born in, New Mexico, didn't allow me access to my records, instead they had 'intermediaries' that had been trained in confidentially practices and how to legally search. We contacted one off the approved list, Linda, and my parents paid her fee. I knew they always supported me looking for my birth family, but them paying the cost for the search showed me how supportive they truly were. After a few weeks, I received a call from Linda saying that she had found my birthmother, so I should begin writing my letter. She explained that this might be the one and only contact I'll ever have with my birthmother, and I need to put the most important information at the top of my letter (opening lines), because she might not read the whole thing.

I wrote several drafts, each one being edited by Linda for confidentiality purposes. I couldn't write "I'm a sophomore at the University of New Mexico", I had to just say I was in college. I thought that was funny, because I WANTED her to find me, why would info about me be an issue?

Every draft began the same way though I just wanted to say thank you. More than anything I needed her to know how grateful I was for the decision she had made. I didn't know much of our story, just that she was young, and had gotten pregnant by an older man, who was married and had a family. I knew she was sent to New Mexico to live with a relative while she was pregnant, and then flew back to New York. I know it caused a rift in her family. I know I was blessed by it.

Linda sent the letter, and a week or so later, she called me saying it did not go over well. My birthmother called her and was very angry she had been contacted. Linda advised me that all hope was not lost, she might calm down and change her mind. I was discouraged, but at least I could say that I had tried.

Several weeks later, I received another phone call from Linda. My birthmother had contacted her again, apologized, and asked for a way to contact me. She preferred email, so I gave Linda my address and anxiously awaited an email.

The first email came later that night, and we corresponded for several weeks over email. She then asked for my number so she could call. I remember I was walking between classes on campus when she called.

We talked for over an hour that first time. Our conversations were a lot asking questions and giving answers on both our parts. Our relationship grew, though there are still trust issues that have had to be overcome.

Going through the adoption process with our son, it made me think of the type of relationship he would have with his birthparents. Would it be though handwritten letters, or more likely, over email and FaceTime?

How has modern technology influenced the relationship with your child's birth families?

Featured Family of the Week: The Caulk Family

Welcome back! I hope that everyone had a restful and relaxing Thanksgiving holiday with their family. I am excited to let you know that I have gotten many emails from those interested in Featured Family applications over the last few weeks. Through word out mouth, Give1 Domestic is starting to grow, which is very exciting! Now that we are off our short break, we will be introducing two new families between now and Christmas as well as some other opportunities for giving this holiday season. First up.........

The Caulk Family

Scott and Dessie Caulk are waiting to adopt an infant domestically. They have adopted once before, bringing home their first son through international adoption from Kazakhstan in October of 2012 after pursing different routes to bring home a brother for their son Roman, the Caulks got word of a domestic match. The child they were matched with is due 1/23/13!!! The family has been feverishly pulling together the funds to pay off their remaining adoption fees. The Caulks still have $15,000 remaining to raise between now and January.

Roman is excited about the newest addition of a little brother and he would like to share with you some ways you can help below....

Let's help Roman out by sharing this link to the Caulk Family Fundraiser!

You can help the Caulk Family by donating $1 to their adoption fund by clicking below, giving a "social donation" by sharing this post through Twitter and Facebook, and praying for the Caulk Family during this last leg of their adoption process.

Click here to donate to the Caulk Family Adoption Fund.

Gifts that Give this Season and a Link UP!

Tis' the season for folks to gather round the table and exchange gifts. If you are among those scratching your heads trying to find gifts for that hard to buy person (*coughmotherinlawcough*) then consider giving them something that they WEREN'T expecting.

A gift that keeps on giving!

Here are few gifts that give back this holiday season to adoptive families and waiting children...........

147 Million Orphans Gear

Head on over to www.147millionorphans.com to check out super soft tshirts, sweats, necklaces, bracelets, water bottles, and coffee mugs. Profits from the sales of 147 gear go back to programs that assist children in Honduras, Uganda, Haiti, Ethiopia, and China. In addition, the founders Gwen and Suzanne  (also adoptive parents) assist families with fundraising for their adoptions by partnering and selling gear to families at a discounted rate for resale to raise money for their adoptions. 

Personally, I own the tee below as well as almost all of their other tees. They are the softest in my entire wardrobe and I basically live in a 147 tee every weekend. Love them.

147 pink Henley - price $34.99

comes in small, med, large, and xl

Just Love Coffee

Founder Rob Webb understands adoption and the need for orphan care - he is an adoptive parent himself. He came up with the idea of pairing struggling coffee farmers in Ethiopia with families needing to raise funds for their adoptions by creating a company called Just Love Coffee. Families are able to sell coffees wholesale to help raise money for their adoptions and farmers in Ethiopia receive fair wages for their beans. Profits from Just Love Coffees go back to supporting families in the adoption process, families adopting special needs children, as well as orphan support programs. Just Love sells various gourmet coffee beans, mugs, tshirts, and other items.

Bags of coffee start at $12.95/13oz

Gifts of Hope

Show Hope is a Christian non-profit that helps provide financial and spiritual support for families in the adoption process as well as support for children who need care in country. This year they have an online catalog called Gifts of Hope in which you can choose to donate towards the program of your choice in someone's name for the holidays. Causes include supporting families who are in the process of adopting domestically or internationally, post-adoption support programs, providing medical care for orphaned children with special needs, or choosing to send money to the cause with the most urgent need. The recipient of your gift will receive a card outlining the cause in which your donation supported.

Donations start at $15

Lifesong Gifts of Purpose 

Along the same line as the last program, the organization Lifesong for Orphans also has a catalog out titled Gifts of Purpose to help sponsor programs in someone's name for the holidays. Gifts include donations towards families adopting domestically and internationally, coffee mugs and tshirts, donations towards feeding and school programs in Honduras and Ethiopia, and many more. You can choose to either purchase a shirt or mug to give, or make a donation in someone's name and present them with a card outlining where the money will go.

Donations vary by cause and program

Now it's YOUR TURN. If you are an adoptive family or a family who is raising money to support orphaned children this holiday season, LINK UP your fundraiser below. It doesn't matter if you are adopting domestically, internationally, or if you are raising money for a feeding program or school uniforms....LINK IT UP! We'd love to see what others are doing this holiday season and get as many gift ideas as we can. Let's continue the season of giving!

*Remember also to share this page with others who are looking for ways to give back this holiday season!

Link up your adoption fundraiser below and share with others!

Pumpkin Bread Fundraiser Follow-up :)

Several of our readers were curious how our current fundraising efforts were going.  I posted to our blog with all the details in THIS post. I encourage those of you who are thinking of adopting, but don't possibly see how you will EVER afford it, to focus on the Lord who will provide, focus on the child(ren) you are to adopt, and press on! I hope each of you are enjoying decorating and preparing to celebrate this CHRISTmas season!!

I am determined to include this centerpiece this year at our home I found the other day online. I love it! Well, I must get everyone in gear...We are off to do family photos today. ; )

  Shannon

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's that time of year when we sit back and say thanks for all of the blessings in our lives. This year, we are happy to have all of our children home for the holidays. Although our adoption journey is completed, we are happy to begin all the new adventures involved with parenting our three energetic little toddlers.

I am immensely thankful for the opportunity Beth gave me to spearhead our new domestic blog to help families who are in the process of raising funds for their own adoptions. In this way I'm able to give back to families who are in the process of creating their own families. Give1 was one of things that helped us bring home our own children and I'm more than happy to help other families come together through adoption as well. 

We will be taking a short break for the Thanksgiving holiday from regular posting and we will be back on November 26th with a new featured family of the week.

If you are interested in being a featured family or becoming a regular or guest contributor for our blog, please drop me an email over my break this week. We are always looking for voices from all parts of the adoption triad to contribute.

From our family to yours, Happy Thanksgiving! 

Guest Post: I Was Wrong

Today's guest post comes from the blog Word From the Wallaces. The original post can be found here. Lindsy is a parent of two biological children and two children through foster care. In addition, the family is also waiting for a little boy through international adoption! 



Our foster care social worker makes a visit to our house once a month to see how we are doing as a foster home. She is assigned to look after us; the boys and their mother have another worker assigned to look after them and work towards the goal of reunification.

Our worker, we’ll call her “Susan”, was here last week and we were talking about how understaffed the department is. SO understaffed, she almost called us about a baby. A baby with a “concurrent” goal. (For those of you not in the foster care world, the term “concurrent” means they are working towards adoption for this baby.) Did I mention we're talking about a BABY?

Susan knows we are not in the place to adopt a baby. Susan knows we have our "hands full". Susan knows we have a little boy in the Congo coming home soon-ish. But she had no one else to call. “All of our homes are full.” she told me. “We don’t have enough homes – even for babies.”

Do those words stop you in your tracks? Not enough homes? For babies? In Kentucky?

Say What!?!

William and I never intended to become foster parents. We never even considered adopting domestically. The thought literally never crossed our minds.

Do you ever speak words that come back to haunt you? I did once. Ok, a few times, but at least once on this very topic.

The day before "T" and "M" came to live with us I attended Created for Care, a retreat/conference for adoptive moms. I was speaking with a woman whose family had been praying about starting the journey of adopting from Ethiopia. She asked me a question I could tell had been on her mind for some time. She asked me how I answer people who want to know why we are adopting from Africa and not “here”. Here being in the US.

I gave my wise Christian answer (insert sarcasm here) - we prayed about it and feel like God has our children in Africa... and then I told her the need is greater there. Kids in the US have roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs and food in their tummies. Their parents are not dying of AIDS at alarming rates and they are not dying themselves of dirty water. Simple. The need is greater. I. Spoke. Those. Words.

Friends, I was wrong. Hear me. I. WAS. WRONG.

While yes, children in Africa (or Russia or India or Haiti) are more likely to be on the streets in the only shirt they own begging for food and living in a cardboard box because their parents are dead or sick, the effect parentlessness has on them is NO GREATER than the effect of parentlessness on vulnerable children right “here”.

Dr. Purvis says “their brains are different”. Kids from "hard places" - their brains are different. The reason their brains are different is because of the lack of nurturing they received prenatally and during the first few years of their lives.

Their brains are different because no one nurtured them.

No one met their needs.

No one loved them.

There are six risk factors that put a child into this category: difficult pregnancy, difficult birth, early hospitalization, abuse, neglect and trauma. (Certainly malnutrition plays a critical role and can have dramatic affects on development but a child who was hungry and nurtured will be better off than a child who had a full belly but no nurture.)

When T and M came to live with us I was SHOCKED to see the exact same behaviors we had read about and come to expect from our little one coming to us from an orphanage in a third world country. In my naive mind they would be "normal". They had a roof, clothes and food. (most of the time) They even had a parent. I thought they would be a little shaken up but fair pretty well.

I was wrong.

Their brains are different BUT their needs are the same. The same as children in Africa. Children in Russia, India and Haiti. The need for lovers of Jesus to fight for them is the same.

When we went through foster care training over the summer our instructor shared statistics that were startling to me at the time. I just didn't know:

246 kids in foster care ages 0 - 5
118 kids in care ages 6 - 11
344 kids in care ages 12 - 19
50 kids in care ages 19 - 21 (this number may be the saddest as these kids are holding out to the very last minute for a family to call their own)

Nearly 800 kids are in foster homes in Jefferson County.  800 kids. Ironically, in the state of Kentucky there are 800 KIDS READY TO BE ADOPTED. Did you know that? Six months ago, I did not.

There are a lot of myths regarding foster care and adopting from the foster system. Unfortunately, the only stories that receive media attention are ones where a birth parent shows up years later and demands their kid back. Or stories of kids who linger in the states care for years and years. While these things do happen, they are not the norm in Kentucky. More importantly, the system may be broken, but God is sovereign.

No one reading these words is immune from receiving a phone call today that will change their life. Your life. My life. We are not in control. Of anything. Biological kids, internationally adopted kids, foster kids.They all belong to Him.

Did you know...
Did you know adopting from foster care is essentially free? FREE.

Did you know biological parents have no way of gaining back custody of their children once parental rights are terminated? NO. WAY.

Did you know children enter foster care through no fault of their own? They are victims of the adults who were supposed to take care of them.

Did you know in the state of Kentucky the Safe Families for Children Act prevents kids from lingering in the system?

Did you know you are provided a per diem to care for the foster kids in your home? Did you know this per diem continues for most children even after they have been adopted? Did you know kids from foster care can go to any state college for free?

Did you know you can take your foster kids across state lines, enroll them in daycare and have babysitters?

Did you know you will get attached?
And it will be hard?
It will.

In the paraphrased words of Amy Monroe "You can handle getting attached and getting hurt. You're an adult. You can handle it. They are kids."

These kids you are afraid of loving too much - they are dying for someone to love them like that. While they are not dying from poverty, disease or hunger, their needs are the same.

If you'd like to learn more about adopting from foster care in KY visit the KY Department for Family Services. If you are interested in foster care or adoption in another state visit Focus on the Family.

My prayer is that this post would shine a light on the needs of children right "here". Please contact me if you have questions about our experience or if I can help you prayerfully begin the journey of foster care. lindsy.wallace AT gmail DOT com

Transracial Parenting - Perceptions vs. Reality

It was a friend who first got me thinking about adopting outside of my race.

Sitting down with her, she asked me if I had considered adopting an African American child. The friend speaking to me, was black herself. And I thought......how do I tell her I'm scared to adopt outside of my race?

Opening up your family to an adoption outside of your race means a few things that you might not have considered when you first began pursuing adoption. For me, it meant that I was going to have to rethink how I had pictured my family in my mind.

I was going to have to realize that there was going to be more to parenting that what I might have intended in the beginning. It meant that I was opening up my family to fierce perceptions from the outside world. It meant that, in just walking by my family, strangers would immediately know our child was adopted. It meant that the things that are passed down through heritage - how you learn to care for your child, would need to be unlearned and relearned for me.

I was scared of how our family would be perceived from complete strangers. I was scared of how I would be perceived by another race. Was I taking care of my child the "correct" way? Could I care for her hair correctly? Skin? Would I be good enough for her that I would not be approached in public and scorned for my lack of knowledge?

My friend got me thinking of the way I pictured our family, and that turned out to be a good thing. We did, in fact, adopt outside of our race not once but THREE times after that conversation. I found out that things like haircare and skincare could be learned. That, like most moms, babies didn't come with a manual and I had time to learn about my child the same way all mothers do - regardless of whether they adopted or birthed their child. I learned that I had time to figure some all things out.

In the meantime, I also learned that there were some things I could never teach my daughter. I could never know, for instance, what it is like to be another race outside of what I am. No matter how hard I try to be the best parent for my kids, I will never be black. I can't be. And therefore, I had to admit that I can't be all things for my children. There will be things I cannot understand and during those times I will empathize and I will make sure that my children have strong black role models and friends they can rely on for those lessons. There will be times I will need to humble myself and turn to a friend and ask for help.

I'm lucky to live in an area in which we aren't perceived much differently. In our community we have families of many colors and types. Our schools, neighborhoods, and workplaces are diverse. We are lucky to have made friends with others who are different races and our children have friends who are black, white, and biracial. I am very glad that they will grow up in a community that supports all families.

In the meantime, we're a family regardless of our colors on the outside. We are learning what it's like to be a transracial family in a world that is becoming increasingly more diverse. I'm incredibly glad that my fears of becoming a mixed race family were absolutely nothing like my expectations.

Book Review: Adoption is a Family Affair

One thing I looked for when I was beginning the adoption process was books… lots and lots of books on adoption.  So this post will be a review about a book that I really liked. My guess is that people will either love it or hate it. The book is "Adoption is a Family Affair" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. I had read on a blog somewhere that the adoptive family bought this book for every member in their extended family. I was curious, so I ordered one off of Amazon (because Barnes and Noble severely lacks adoption books in my town).

The book is very thin and a quick read. The book spends a lot of time discussing fears that family members may have when an adoption occurs, such as: race, disability, open adoption, cost, wait, and many other topics. It more importantly discusses things that should NOT be said to the parents.  Some chapters you'll be able to skim right over because they will not apply to your particular situation, while other chapters you'll want to photocopy and mail out to everyone you know.

Overall, I thought this book was very good for my family in-particular because we have not dealt with an adoptive situation on my side, although my husband’s  family had.  (But they still got a copy also!) Along with this book we sent a "Family Letter" indicating how we got to the point of adoption (our families were not told about our fertility issues for a long time) and how we intended to raise and educate our daughter in relation to her adoption. It was important for us to indicate to our families that WE would decide what she would know and when, and that we wholly expected them to abide by our wishes (although I did not think it would be a problem... just an "in case" clause of sorts). I find that anything that educates my family and friends about adoption is a plus, and I'll gladly get the information to them.

This book is also good for those thinking about adoption. It raises questions that your family members may have about the situation that you might not have considered. Adoption is a big change for everyone involved, and this book attempts to serve as a guide through some of the potential problem areas.  The world of adoption can be very confusing for those on the outside – this book helps to make the path a little clearer.

(I was not compensated for this review… I just really liked the book and found it helpful.)

The Fundraising Question

Adoption is expensive. Ask anyone that has done one. They will go into figures that they spent on homestudies, expenses for background checks, how they gathered together funds for submitting their profiles, or how they scratched up money for agency fees.

In a non scientific poll I've taken since 2009, which basically includes talking to random people about adoption, I find that many people say they would like to adopt....but don't have the funds to begin. OR they state that they'd love to adopt, but it's too expensive.

In the meantime we have children across the country and the world aging out of foster care. We have children going without food and adequate healthcare. We have children who will transition from foster care to foster care, or orphanage, or group home....who will never know what it's like to have a mother or a father.

And we're worried about the cost.

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After our failed match which was our first, and only, attempt at adopting domestically my husband and I began pursuing international adoption. In doing so we did a few fundraisers. We sold off some items on ebay we didn't really need. We sold coffee. We sold a few flowers. We did some fundraising things here and there...

In the meantime, we took a loan out against our car. Those checks that come in the mail which you can take loans out on your credit card? We maxed out not one but two of our credit cards. All of these things in the attempt to stay on top of agency bills which, in the end, totaled up over $32,000.

Our daughter came home, and we were finally a family of 3. After the adoption we could submit for the tax refund with the IRS to help with the adoption costs. Luckily, my husband also had a small adoption benefit at his work to also support our bills.

But the bills......the bills were large. They were no longer bills from our adoption agency. They were now bills from credit card companies.



I tell you this not to discourage you from adoption. Adoption is how our family was created and for that I am eternally grateful. I tell you this to encourage you to look beyond the expenses. I tell you this because, for the majority of people, there is no stuffed mattress of money or savings accounts to deplete to bring a child into your family and adopt. For the great majority of us in the USA, we are just trying to pay our bills.

It's for those reasons that I tell potential adoptive parents, whether they are adopting from foster care, international adoption, or domestic adoption - to jump in HEAD FIRST into fund raising and adoption grants.

My husband and I, we felt guilty asking others to contribute to our adoption fund. We asked ourselves, should we even fund raise at all? We shuddered at sending out letters of support to our family and friends. We had some people we knew contributed to our adoption fund, and some that didn't contribute at all. Those that couldn't contribute financially, we asked them to provide "social" donations by telling their friends about our fundraisers via twitter, email, or facebook. We had some people participate with that.....and others who didn't. Did we feel guilty? Yes. Did we feel as if we were a burden to others? Yes.

Then I had an awakening. I watched this video by Eric Ludy. The quote that resonated with me is this....

"I was doing some study on Liberia  If you want to be disturbed, start studying Liberia  This four year old boy sitting on the side of a road. No one to comfort. No one to take him in. No shelter. No food. Nothing. So in the middle of that night, I wake up. It's like God had already deposited a question that was waiting to meet me when I popped awake at 2 in the morning. I had this picture of this little boy in Liberia in front of me. And God asked me a question..........'What if that was Hudson, my four year old. Eric what if that was Hudson?"

"You don't mess with the father's heart. What if that was Hudson?!"

"If my boy was sitting on the side of a road across the world from me. Suffering. Totally alone. Not knowing what's happening. He's not old enough to comprehend this. He's abandoned. He has no one to fight for his cause. He can't even articulate his circumstances. He's hungry and no one is feeding him. He's starving to death."

"If my son is in that situation, stick a concrete wall in front of me and I will claw through it with my bare hands. This is MY SON we are talking about. If I couldn't get there, I would call up EVERY friend I have and say 'I have a son over in Liberia and you call yourself my friend? I need you to get on a plane and I need you to get to him. I'll give you the coordinates and I'll do whatever it takes, but I need you to get to him and be a father to him."

"God's response? "Eric, that's MY Hudson."
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My child. My child was over in Congo. My child was over in Congo starving without a mother. Without a father. My child was an orphan and I would claw through a concrete wall to get to her. I would call up every friend I had, I would shout it on Facebook. I would send out letters asking for donations and say.....This is my child and I need your help to get to her. My child is starving. My child is sick...and if you call yourself my friend you will help me get to her. Are you willing to help me get to my child?" 

If my friend, you wrote to me. You called me up and told me you had a child waiting for you.....in the hospital..... or in Congo......or in the foster care system. You had a child and you would do anything to get to him I would ask you....."How can I help you get to him?"  And if I couldn't contribute financially, I would pass on the word. I would buy your coffee or your flowers in your fundraiser. I would do anything I could do to bring home your child because I know that's your son.

And with that my friends, never feel sorry for asking for help. Never feel sorry about the stress in meeting adoption expenses or worrying about making it work. It will work out. With all the stress involved in adoption, worrying about money should be the least of our worries.

After piles of adoption paperwork and raising over $10,000 towards our adoption bills, this is a photo of me getting on an airplane in March of 2012 to go to the Democratic Republic of Congo to finalize the adoption of our twins.

If you need help in fundraising for your domestic adoption, please email me and ask for an application to be a featured family of the week. Currently, we have had many applicants but not many completed applications. Together we will help bring your child home. 

Adoption As a Plan B: Jen's Story

                For us, the transition from trying to have a biological child to starting the adoption process took several months.  I’m sure that others move from plan A to plan B faster and for others it may take years to make that transition.

                I think a key part of it for us was we had already started talking about adoption long before we even started fertility treatments.  I understand that not everyone who adopts struggled with fertility, but we did.  However, being adopted, it was always something close to my heart and a conversation my husband and I had early on in our relationship.  The conversation went “let’s have a few of our own and adopt one or two, and have one huge, loving family”.

                After doing several rounds of fertility treatments, we were emotionally exhausted and I felt like my body was close to done.  With each treatment, after 10-12 days of doing injectable hormones, I would skip a day after trigger and then start taking an injectable blood thinner during my two-week wait.  Eventually, I would get a positive pregnancy test, they would take betas, the numbers would rise, then the numbers would fall, and I would miscarry.  We called this point in the process “Beta Hell”.  Then, we would start the whole process over.  The only time during the months that I wasn't injecting something in my body was while I was waiting to miscarry through cycle day 3 when we would start the new round. 

                In December 2009, we were in the midst of our fifth cycle.  Between the hustle and bustle of the holidays and being in beta hell, my husband and I decided that after this cycle was done, we could only go through beta hell one more time.  If that meant I got pregnant next cycle, then it would be our last, or if it took 3 more cycles to get pregnant, that’s when we would call it quits.  As we were getting dressed up to go out and celebrate our 5^th anniversary with dinner and tickets to the Nutcracker (my favorite part of the holidays), we got the call that the beta they had drawn that morning had fallen.  This pregnancy was over.  Needless to say, I enjoyed a glass of wine with dinner that night as we put on our brave faces, ignored the pain, and celebrated our five years together.

                After the new year we started what we knew could be our last cycle.  Just like my body had done the last 4 cycles, my two-week wait ended with rising betas…and then falling betas.  When we went in to meet with the reproductive endocrinologist I explained, through tears, that I just couldn't do it again. I couldn't go on the rollercoaster ride.  We had such a kind doctor who understood our decision. 

                For several months, we didn't talk about babies.  We each had to deal internally with the new knowledge that we would not have biological children of our own.  I grieved the fact that I would never know what it would feel like to have a baby move inside of me, or to look in my child’s face and see pieces of my husband and me combined. 

                Slowly, during those months, we stopped thinking about the treatments that had failed and started remembering how good it was to be ‘us’.  Us before the treatments; before the monitoring appointments, injections before bedtime, and timed intercourse.  We started laughing together again, and my husband started being silly.  For so many months, he had walked on eggshells around our house, not knowing what he might say that would turn his hormone-infused wife into a blubbering mess of tears.  Those days were past us and we could enjoy each other.  I remember that spring being extra warm so the pool in our neighborhood opened up a few weeks earlier than normal.  We decided to go up and swim.  It was that day that in my mind, we were back to ‘us’.  I will forever remember laying on the lounge chairs next to Travis, both with our eyes closed, enjoying the sun shining on us.  He reached over and grabbed my hand and said, “I love our life”.  For me, that was the defining moment.  No matter what we had gone through, no matter how we were going to build our family, he was with me, holding my hand for the long haul.  That was what I needed to hear.

                Within a week or so we started talking about the next steps we wanted to take.  We got information from several adoption agencies and met with a social worker from one of them.   We started filling out that agency’s short application in early May.  It only took us about 4 months to be able to move from our plan A to plan B, but that was very valuable time to us.  We needed those months, free of the stress of fertility treatments and absent of the stress that would come with the adoption process in the coming months.

                If I have any advice for couples thinking about adoption, particularly after they have been doing fertility treatments, is to take some time.  It doesn't have to be a whole lot of time, but you and your spouse probably would benefit from putting some distance between the end of fertility treatments and the beginning of the adoption process.  I believe that many agencies (like ours) feel this way too, because they often request that couples either do treatments, or pursue  adoption, but not simultaneously.   Both events are so taxing on your emotions, so don’t make either one any harder than then it needs to be!

Special Needs Adoption: Trisomy 21 and HIV

For those researching about adoption as well as those who haven't yet selected their adoption path - I would like to share with you some information about adopting a child with special needs. In the adoption world, special needs can include any cosmetic or orthepedic or physical impairments (ex: missing digit, missing ear, cleft palate) to mental and learning disabilities (ex: emotional disability, specific learning disability, mild cognitive disability) to having a diagnosis of a known disease such as HIV or AIDS.

The term "special needs adoption" can be very wide.

Now before you click off this post, and tell yourself, "That's just not for us." I wanted to let you know about an organization that works to assist families who are interested in special needs adoptions, specifically, for children with Down's Syndrome and HIV as well as AIDS. The organization is called Project Hopeful.

HIV and AIDS treatment has come a long way since the early 1990s and the time of Ryan White. Adopting a child with special needs is something that you may have either considered or may be something you aren't comfortable with at all. To learn more about adopting children with special needs such as HIV and AIDS as well as other needs - please check out Project Hopeful's resources on their page. You may find that a special needs adoption is not as scary as it sounds. Project Hopeful also has a link to special needs children already identified and eligible for adoptoin who are currently waiting for families.

Please take a second to watch the Tweetmeyer Family's video below about the truth about HIV and AIDS that they made with their family through Project Hopeful and see their wonderful familily created through adoption.

Any Families Out there???

Just a quick check in since it has been a bit quiet around here lately.

We have so far featured 4 domestic families on our site since we launched over the summer. Together, we have raised over $3,000 for these families combined!

We are still looking for families to feature as Family of the Week. If you would like an application to be featured, please email me at onesweetworld67 at gmail dot com. We have had a lot of interested families ask for applications, but not so many returning them. So if you are waiting to turn yours in - now is a great time!

We are also looking for contributors for guest posts. If you would like to write a guest post, or you have a blog and would like to add a previous post that you think relates to our audience, please let me know. Some great topics include........

• How to choose an adoption agency
• Older child adoption
• Adoption from foster care
• Tips for transitioning
• How you were lead to adoption
• Birthparent support and resources
• Birthparent perspective
• Adoptee perspective
• How to prepare extended family for adoption
• Unique perspectives from transracial families
• Adoptions of special needs children

Your Partner in the Process,

Fostering A Family

"I have seven kids - ages 4-27."

I still think it sounds funny when I say that!

When I was in my 20's I gave birth to four absolutely perfect children.  What more could a mommy want?  Fast forward 10 years - I’d been a single mom for a bit and I met a wonderful man with no children.  He was willing to be a step-dad to my four.  What more could a mommy want?  As my four grew up, I couldn't shake the desire to raise my husband’s children - but I’m not able to carry any more.

At first we were infant adoption all the way.  We got all the paperwork and I started thinking about the fact that there’s a waiting list for newborns.  People are lining up for them.  Because I’d already had newborns I didn't feel that need and frankly, as an older mom I didn't know that I had the time to wait.  In foster care, there are literally thousands of children who need homes right now.

We were licensed as foster parents for about a year and a half before we got a placement of siblings whose parental rights were about to be terminated.  It took a year for the adoption to become finalized but as soon as they walked through our front door, they were mine in my heart.

If you've been doing the math, that’s only 6 right?  About a year ago, we learned of a 20 year old young woman who had aged out of foster care without any type of permanency.  She was going to college and working.  We thought it would be nice to help her out.  She ended up needing a place to stay for a few days that summer and she’s been a part of our family ever since.

When I had those four little babies all those years I never imagined my family would end up looking the way it does now.  I've been very blessed!

Birthmother Support and Resources

Today's post comes from Monika, who is a birth mother through domestic adoption. At Give1 Domestic, we like to support all corners of the adoption triad to learn and grow from each other. Today's post is for any expectant mothers who have relinquished or are considering making an adoption plan (and also those of us who are APs or PAPs to learn from). You can find more of Monika’s writing on her blog, Monika’s Musings (www.musingmonika.com).

I was asked to write about resources for birth moms. Unfortunately there are not a lot of resources, but I do have some tips for dealing with the wide range of emotions common to the journey of being a birth mom.

Whether you’re new to the grief of being a birth mom or whether you’ve been a birth mom for a while, it’s most important to realize that you’re not alone and that it’s okay to grieve no matter how long it has been since you relinquished your child. I hope that your child’s parents have realized the importance of you in their child’s life and have continued a relationship with you past the time of your child’s birth and relinquishment. If you have a relationship with your child and his or her parents, that’s wonderful. If you don’t, I’m very sorry to hear that. If you're a birth parent and it was your idea to walk away, I encourage you to reach out to your child and his or her parents. If you are an adoptive parent, I'd consider attempting to contact your child's birth parent(s).

Even if you have an open adoption and are at peace with your decision to relinquish, the grief will never disappear.  You will have days when you feel like you’re at the bottom of a deep dark pit, and you will have days that go smoothly.  There will be events that you will expect to trigger at least a certain amount of grief and there will be times when your grief comes out of the blue and knocks you to your knees.

Come to terms with your decision. It is very important to come to terms with your decision for the best healing.  Even if you feel you were forced into the decision to relinquish, forgiveness is important. Forgive the people you feel controlled your adoption, most importantly yourself, whether you felt in control of the situation or whether you felt like someone else was controlling the situation and outcome. I know from experience that birth moms struggle with self-loathing because they aren’t parenting their child. Though in my own situation I’m at peace with my decision and I was not coerced into making that decision, I still struggle with self-loathing at least occasionally. I’ve found the more forgiveness you can give yourself and others, the more it helps you in your grief journey. You don’t have to confront the people with your forgiveness. Write down how you feel they wronged you. Then write down that you forgive them and mean it. Once you’ve done that, destroy it so you can let that part of the situation go. The same concept and application applies to forgiving yourself.

Reach out and find other birth moms. I didn’t really start healing until I found other women that had been through very similar experiences. Obviously no two experiences are exactly alike no matter how similar the circumstances. However, every birth mom shares the experience of carrying a child in our wombs and then giving that child to someone else who will call that child their own. My caseworker at the agency through which I relinquished told me about BirthMom Buds. Though BirthMom Buds has resources for expectant women considering adoption as well as some resources for adoptive parents, the main focus of the website and group is helping connect birth moms no matter where they live. The founders both live on the East Coast, and I live on the West Coast. I’ve still found that connection with other birth moms that was lacking in my life. You can find BirthMom Buds on their website at http://www.birthmombuds.com . The forums on that website are limited to birth moms, so you have the capability of talking about anything in complete privacy and confidence. Through the forums there is a hosted chat on Monday nights, even though the chat room is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. BirthMom Buds also has a Facebook page that is open to anyone: http://www.facebook.com/birthmombuds .  For anyone that would like insights into the thoughts and emotions birth moms may face, I suggest liking BirthMom Buds on Facebook to keep abreast of events and blog posts, and also you can subscribe to the quarterly newsletter.

Start a local support group. Unfortunately there’s online support, but not many in-person support groups. There’s a small list on the BirthMom Buds blog, but it’s solely lacking. If you do start a support group that even meets semi-regularly, I’m certain BirthMom Buds would love to know and spread the word about your group. It doesn’t matter how big or small your group. It can be you and one other birth mom. If you spend time together supporting each other, that’s what defines a support group. I’m fortunate enough to have access to a group through a local LDS Family Services office (though I didn’t relinquish through them and I’m not LDS, they’ve been welcoming). Until recently we would just get together and talk randomly about whatever was on the minds and hearts of the people there that particular evening.

Write. Even if you don’t consider yourself a writer, I would also suggest starting a journal. You don’t have to write complete sentences and paragraphs. You can write out single words – whatever comes to mind. You could draw, scribble, or paint. All of those are forms of journaling and I know from experience that keeping a journal is immensely therapeutic. If you find you enjoy writing, you can start a blog. When you start a blog, there are online communities of writers talking about their experiences. I’m unsure if there’s a general forum for the birth moms that blog about closed adoptions, but there is one for birth moms living open adoptions. It’s called Open Adoption Bloggers (http://openadoptionbloggers.com/) and it’s actually a gathering place for all members of the adoption triad – birth parents, adoptive parents, and even adoptees. Our leader, Heather, provides occasional writing prompts and an extensive blogroll. She’s actually an adoptive mom, and she and her husband have open adoptions with the birth families of all three of their children.

Hopefully the tips I’ve shared with you have been helpful. If anyone has other thoughts, I’d love to hear them!

Adoption After Baby Loss

"To Remember Is Painful, To Forget Is Impossible."

I could apply this to different aspects of my life, but right now it's pertaining to the multiple miscarriages I've had.

Most of the time I'm perfectly accepting of my miscarriages...or my brain just chooses not to process the staggering amount of them I've had since me and Ryan tied the knot in 2006. But then there are some days I grieve deeply. Days where I do shed a few tears. Days where my heart hurts so badly I wonder if that pain will ever go away.

I shouldn't be thinking about that right? I have two beautiful children that God has tremendously blessed our family with by way of adoption. So why do I still have these sad days?

This may come as a total shock to some of you, but I did not adopt Aiden and Abigail to replace the babies I miscarried. They were and will never be my second choice for adding to our family. Over the years I've realized that grieving these little losses was and is okay. It doesn't mean I love Aiden and Abigail less. It just means that I didn't lose Aiden and Abigail like I lost my other babies.

I'm not exactly sure what triggered my aching heart today, but by the time it turned dark outside I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to cry out some of my grief. Tears were beginning to push their way out of my eyeballs even though I was trying to ignore it. I had to go somewhere...preferably a room with a locked door ;)  Then I remembered the ultrasound pictures I have of 1 of my losses. I put them in a drawer in my room so that's where I shut myself up and cried it out. Not two minutes into my crying session my precious Aiden started trying to beat the door down yelling..."mommy, you locked me out!" :) That child can always put a smile on my face no matter what circumstances I am facing. I began trying to swipe at the tears that were still flowing and trying to get a grip on my emotions. I kept asking myself what in the world was I still doing locked in my room crying for babies that have been long gone when I have two beautiful children just outside that locked door? Two beautiful children I could hold, hug, and kiss. Two beautiful children who are very much alive and well.

I'll just say this...I obviously survived these multiple miscarriages...and I'm sure there will be more in the future...but as a mama I have every right to grieve what I lost. No matter how many children we fill our home and lives with (adopted and/or biological) part of my heart will always ache for these losses. ALL of them. Time heals wounds to the point where it doesn't hurt every single second of every single day, but no matter how much time passes I will always ache, and at times deeply grieve for what I've lost and it's okay to do that! It doesn't make me a bad mama. I'd like to think that it will show my children when they get older and begin to understand more about their adoptions that it is okay for them to grieve the family they lost.

Failed Placement - Recovered Finances

Adoption is hard. When you are adopting domestically you may go through one match with an expectant mother (or more) before you are able to adopt.

In 2009, my husband and I had a failed placement when trying to adopt domestically. What that means is that, as the adoptive parents, we paid all of our legal fees once we were matched with an expectant mother up until the point of relinquishment. When the child's mother did not relinquish, our adoption was left uncompleted. We had spent approximately over $8,000 in legal fees with our lawyer (we were doing an independent adoption) as well as for our home study. 

Starting over with adoption is difficult after having a failed placement. We knew we had to keep moving forward, but financially, it was difficult as well. At an adoption seminar we attended after our failed placement, we were told by a coordinator that 50% of domestic adoptions would fall through before relinquishment due to the child's parents changing their mind. We thought to ourselves......how many times would this happen? And if so, how could we keep moving forward financially with spent legal fees after each match?

Luckily, we found out that we could recoup some of the funds we had spent on legal fees from our tax refund that year. I often hear of adoptive parents in a similar situation we were in that did not know this was possible. I am no legal or finance expert for sure, but I wanted to make you aware of an option that might work for you as well. Also, with all the chances to the adoption tax refund in recent years, this option might not still be available or available for long for some families. I think it is worth looking into, although, for families who have had a failed placement and may be able to receive some or all of their expenses refunded.

The IRS Form 8839 has additional information about qualified adoption expenses. Read the section under the heading, "Attempted Adoption of US Children." 

For more information about the adoption tax credit, see the IRS Adoption Benefits FAQ as well as the resources at Creating A Family.

Adoption Resources

So maybe you are saying to yourself.........Self, I'm thinking about adopting.

Well, I'm glad you are thinking about adopting. In the world there are an estimated 147 million orphans who are without one or both parents. Those children range in age from infant to teenager and they are as close as in your own neighborhood to as far away as the other side of the world.

So while your mind is probably spinning with a million questions about adoption, here are some websites to help point you on your way to great information to consider.

• www.creatingafamily.com Creating a Family is an excellent website created by Dawn Davenport who is an infertility and adoption advocate. She has compiled lots of information to help guide you on your family building journey as well as useful podcasts with experts in infertility and adoption issues.
• www.stirrup-queens.com Stirrup Queens is another excellent website and has a compilation of blogs written by authors experiencing infertility and other issues. If you are thinking of adopting after experiencing infertility I suggest you check out Mel's site to connect with others in the same boat or who have gone before you. There is also a mega list here of blogs from parents who are in the process of adoption or have already completed their adoptions.
• http://www.pear-reform.org/ An invaluable website and resource for those who have adopted, adoptees, as well as those looking for info on adopting. Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform discusses adoption ethics in order to create transparency and foster respect for all persons in the adoption triad.
• Looking for an adoption agency? Make an informed choice talking to people at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Adoption_Agency_Research/. This Yahoo Group will allow you to private message others in the adoption process or who have completed adoptions and will give you agency specific and country specific information for international and domestic adoptions.
• http://adoptionagencyreviews.com/index.cfm An adoption agency review website. Take all these reviews with a grain of salt. Sometimes a lot of times, agencies can get on there and write their own reviews about themselves under false names. Better reviews can be found at the Yahoo Group at the link above but you can also check this out for more information.
• There have been changes within the adoption tax refund credit. Current and updated information about the Adoption Tax Credit can be found here: http://www.creatingafamily.org/blog/adoption-domestic-adoption-international-adoption-embryo-adoption-foster-care-adoption/adoption-tax-credit-expire-2012/

New Week, New Family! Meet the Sharpe Family!

Meet Dan and Katherine Sharpe who are an adorable and faith filled couple who are waiting on a son or a daughter to add to their family through adoption.

Dan and Katherine have just renewed their homestudy, which means that they have been waiting for over a year to be selected and matched with an expectant mother who would like to make a domestic adoption plan. Waiting is always hard, but Dan and Katherine have been faithful and are prepared to welcome a little boy or girl into their home in His time.

To learn more about Dan and Katherine, check out their cute little video below or their blog over at Waiting For Baby.

We'd love to help the Sharpe Family move a little closer to meeting their child by sharing their story and asking our readers to donate $1 this week, or more, to their adoption fund.

The current running total raise for the Sharpes is $107.31

If you are an expectant mother and would like additional information about the Sharpe Family or to view their personal profile, please contact Kristie Hall via Lutheran Social Services of Minnesota at tel:320 251-7700

Tips When Doing an Adoptive Parent Profile

The adoption profile is the first thing your potential birth mother will see when trying to choose the parents she wants for her baby. It can get overwhelming pretty quickly! Here are some tips to help you through that I learned from our adoption agency.

* Most adoptive families want to fit their entire life story in a profile. Big mistake. Birth moms are going through many of these profiles and most do not take the time to read about your childhood dog that died 25 years ago. Keep your profile short. Give a few sentences on you, your spouse, a very small paragraph of any children and/or pets, tell the short story of how you fell in love and how many years you've been married. Don't over do it otherwise most birth moms will just overlook your profile in search of a shorter one.

* Try to finish the nursery before you send your profile out that way you have pictures of what it will look like included in your profile.

* When doing your Dear Birth mom letter try not to be overly emotional. I know this can be difficult, but it's necessary. Just give the basics and again, keep it short.

* Always try to add lots pictures throughout your profile book and maybe add small captions to a few. 

* If you are like me and not good with scrap booking try Scrapbook Max. It's easy to use and I completed our 11 page profile in about 45 minutes using this. http://www.scrapbookmax.com/. Get as creative as you can. If you aren't creative then find a friend who is and try to work on it together.

* We asked 4 people we were close to to write a small paragraph about me and my husband. It was just a way for the birth mom to see the different people who would be included in their child's life and it also gave her a perspective of us from another persons views. Just remember, keep it short.

* (This is totally my opinion, but I think you should go with whatever works best for you and your schedule) I can't begin to stress the importance of doing your own profile. Getting help from a friend is one thing, but to have a company do it is another thing entirely. I know that we don't all have time to fit everything we'd like to do in one day, but this profile should be made with love from you to your birth mom. It's a very special thing and letting a stranger do it for you is like saying your heart really isn't in it as much as it should be.

* Include a picture of your home. Let her see, through pictures, as much as she can about the life her child will have with you.

* Be willing to travel to meet her if she wants and make sure you include that in your Dear Birth mom letter.

* Include the phone number of your adoption agency at the end of your profile :)

* If you are making about 150-200 profiles then have a party at your house! Invite friends and relatives to help you put all the pages together, bind them, and make sure everything is as it should be because trying to do this on your own will just stress you out. Have fun with this journey as much as you can.

I hope these little tips help make it easier as you tackle the difficulty of completing a profile for your future birth mom! Good luck on your adoption journey :)