Great Birthmother Resource

Our submission today is by Monika, who blogs at Monika's Musings. Monika became a birthmom at 34 years old.  She currently lives near Tacoma, WA, with Nick, her partner and daughter’s birthdad.  They enjoy an open adoption with their daughter and her parents, who live near Portland, OR. Monika will be blogging on occasion at Give1 to help give a valuable birth parent perspective for our domestic page. Today she shares information about an great resource for birthmother's.  

I relinquished my daughter to an open adoption in January 2010. When I relinquished my daughter, I knew no one that was a birth mom, especially since my opinion was that I was unique in choosing to have an open adoption with my daughter and her adoptive parents. In July of that year, my case worker at the adoption agency I used told me about BirthMom Buds (www.birthmombuds.com). She said that it was a community where I could connect with other people that had placed their children with adoptive families. I joined, thinking I might talk with a couple of other birth moms occasionally and that would be it.

I quickly fell into frequently posting on the private forums and chatting with other birth moms in the hosted chats on Monday nights. I also started talking to Coley, one of the founders of BirthMom Buds. Though she and I live on opposite coasts, we started sending long emails back and forth both through Facebook and then through our personal email accounts.

Around January 2011, I started hearing about the annual retreat that BirthMom Buds hosts in Charlotte, North Carolina, the weekend before Mother’s Day weekend. I knew without a doubt that I wanted to go, not only to meet Coley in person, but to connect in person with some of the other birth moms that I’d been talking to online for so long. It was an amazing experience. Though no one that attended had exactly the same adoption experience as anyone else, we all connected through our shared loss. Just as people who have struggled with infertility or miscarriage reach out to others who have experienced similar things, the loss of adoption brings you together in a unique way.

I’ve now been to two BirthMom Buds retreats and am planning to attend my third one this May. Over the long weekend, we laugh. We cry. We forge friendships that last long past the weekend retreat and love each other through the hurt. We learn about the unique experiences of one another, and we learn how we share similar experiences and feelings as well. No matter how at peace we are with our own personal adoption story, we still feel loss. It’s fantastic to be able to really let go and experience our loss with the support of other people who know exactly how we feel. It’s great to talk about our adoption stories without using qualifiers or titles because we all know how each person in our unique stories relates to each other. We don’t get raised eyebrows when talking about our child’s mother or father. For those birth moms who haven’t told many people about the child they’ve placed and the feelings surrounding that placement, it’s a time to really open up and release some of the demons that chase them all year round.

I can’t imagine not attending the retreat. It’s expensive for me to pay for the flight and hotel costs (the retreat itself is free for birth moms), but I wouldn’t want to use the money I spend for anything else. It can be an emotionally exhausting weekend full of ups and downs. But being with people who know how I feel because they’ve been there too is an absolutely priceless experience.

As an aside, I’m coordinating a fundraiser to help fund the hotel costs for two birth moms who would not have been able to attend but for a generous donor who took care of their flight arrangements. If you’re interested in donating to the fundraiser, here’s the link - http://fndr.se/sgWW . Like I said in the blurb about my fundraiser, if I surpass my fundraising goal I will donate the rest to BirthMom Buds to either assist with retreat costs or to help another birth mom pay for transportation and/or lodging. Please pass the link along – you never know who might donate!

Fine Line

Have you taken time to meet our Featured Family of the Week, the McMillian Family? They are in process and trying to raise the last remaining funds for their private domestic adoption. Please pop on over when you get a chance and donate $1 this week.

I’m blessed to have several close friends of mine that represent the three different sides of the adoption triad- birthmother, adoptive mother, and child.  I find that my conversations that I have with each of them have become more and more valuable as I travel my path as an adoptive mother.

A friend of mine is the adoptive mother of two little girls.  She has fairly open relationships with both of her girls’ birthmothers, and we often talk about how that impacts their lives compared to the completely closed relationship we have with our son’s birth family.  She has fairly regular contact with each birth mother, so is aware of lifestyle choices that are made.

As her oldest daughter is getting closer to an age where she would become more aware of what’s going on in her birth mothers life, my friend struggles with what information to pass on.  Of course, you want your child to have a positive view point of their birthfamily, but what if you make it too nice and cozy?  Are you then setting the situation up for a tween/teenager fight about wanting to go back to live with their birthparents, because they seem so great?  Remember, I WAS that adoptive teenager who wanted anything except my parents house rules, even though I knew nothing about my birthmother, surely she HAD to be better then my parents. 

It’s also difficult to filter out some of the not so great decisions that are made.  I know that both of us have access to pictures/information of our children’s birth parents making less the wise decisions.  In our case, there is drug use, unsafe decisions, and prescription drug abuse documented in an instagram account.  I don’t plan on saving those pictures for Isaac, but those are the choices that are being made at this time, which depending on consequences, might come out eventually.  I dug through both facebook accounts and instagram accounts trying to find pictures that I could save for when he was older to show him pictures of his birth family.  While doing this, I struggled to find ones that I was comfortable with my future toddler and school age child seeing.  There were very few that didn't have drugs or alcohol in them. 

We understand that these are their own lives, and their own decisions, but my friend and I both agree; these decisions influence the amount of contact and type of information we are willing to share as our children grown up.  In this age of technology and ‘connected-ness’, information is so readily available… but what if you aren’t comfortable with all that information?

From Open to Closed

Just another reminder to check in and meet our cute little Family of the Week, the Caulk Family! If you haven't yet donated your $1 this week, we sure would love it if you followed the link on their post to donate to help bring home their newest little one. Next, we have a featured post from Jennifer discussing her family's pursuit of an open adoption.

When we first signed up with our agency, we told them that our preference was to have a semi-open adoption, with all contact with the birth family to go through the agency.  After we were matched with our first expectant mother, we found our views changing.  As we got to know her, we could see her in our life, texting, sending emails, etc.  Though that match failed, our feelings toward an open relationship didn't, and we changed our status with the agency.

When we were matched with Isaac's birth parents, we met them later that week at a restaurant for a long lunch.  We talked a lot, and part of it was about communication expectations.  We told them we were open to have communication with the directly, but also agreed to send letters and pictures to the agency several times during his first year.  They were in a time of transition, and were going to move states within months of Isaac's birth, so everything going to the agency was the best solution for them.

We didn't see either of them again until Isaac was born, and even then we only saw his birthfather briefly, while he stood in the hallway waiting for the nurses to take her to recovery after the c-section.  Once they went to court to have their parental rights terminated, we were able to take physical custody of Isaac, but still couldn't leave the state while ICPC was getting approved.  We talked to the social worker, and asked her to pass on our willingness to meet with them before we left for home.  They decided not to meet with us, so our next contact was the letter we sent to the agency, one month after placement.

We've written four more letters.  All of them are sitting at the agency.  Unrequested.  We'll continue to write letters, until he's 18 if we need to.  We want Isaac to know we've tried to open communication, so that he could have a relationship.  That was our promise to him the day they put him in our arms, that we would always support a relationship with his birth family.

We've found out through looking at their facebook pages that they indeed did move, called off their engagement, and his birthfather moved back home.  We've struggled with the decision to contact them on facebook through a message, but what do we say?  How do we not pry or offend them?  How do you gently try to open up a relationship, for the sake of your child?  And if it doesn't work, how do you explain it to them when he gets older? 

For now we just wait, undecided on what to do, and wonder if this closed relationship will ever be open.  

Closed Adoption and Birthparent Tracing - Jennifer's Story

Have you taken time to meet our Featured Family of the Week, the Caulk Family? They are in process and trying to raise the last remaining funds for their domestic adoption. Please pop on over when you get a chance and donate $1 this week. (Roman thanks you.) Today's blog post comes from Jennifer and offers an adoptee's perspective into reaching out to a birthparent. A huge hug goes out to Jenn for offering us a window into her life to better understand adoption in our own families.

Growing up, I always knew that I would want to find my birthmother. Because of laws in my state I would have to wait until I was 18, but was reassured by my parents that they supported the search.

My 18th birthday came, I moved into a dorm, started college, and broke up with my high school boyfriend. I wasn't ready to bring the emotion it would take to begin the search, and possibly start a relationship. It wasn't until a year later that I was ready to begin the search.

After calls to my parent's lawyer, my birthmother's lawyer, and the state vital records office, I had a plan. My brithmothers lawyer warned me that though she hadn't talked to her in years, I need to be prepared that she wouldn't want contact at all. That was a blow, but I continued on my search.

The state I was born in, New Mexico, didn't allow me access to my records, instead they had 'intermediaries' that had been trained in confidentially practices and how to legally search. We contacted one off the approved list, Linda, and my parents paid her fee. I knew they always supported me looking for my birth family, but them paying the cost for the search showed me how supportive they truly were. After a few weeks, I received a call from Linda saying that she had found my birthmother, so I should begin writing my letter. She explained that this might be the one and only contact I'll ever have with my birthmother, and I need to put the most important information at the top of my letter (opening lines), because she might not read the whole thing.

I wrote several drafts, each one being edited by Linda for confidentiality purposes. I couldn't write "I'm a sophomore at the University of New Mexico", I had to just say I was in college. I thought that was funny, because I WANTED her to find me, why would info about me be an issue?

Every draft began the same way though I just wanted to say thank you. More than anything I needed her to know how grateful I was for the decision she had made. I didn't know much of our story, just that she was young, and had gotten pregnant by an older man, who was married and had a family. I knew she was sent to New Mexico to live with a relative while she was pregnant, and then flew back to New York. I know it caused a rift in her family. I know I was blessed by it.

Linda sent the letter, and a week or so later, she called me saying it did not go over well. My birthmother called her and was very angry she had been contacted. Linda advised me that all hope was not lost, she might calm down and change her mind. I was discouraged, but at least I could say that I had tried.

Several weeks later, I received another phone call from Linda. My birthmother had contacted her again, apologized, and asked for a way to contact me. She preferred email, so I gave Linda my address and anxiously awaited an email.

The first email came later that night, and we corresponded for several weeks over email. She then asked for my number so she could call. I remember I was walking between classes on campus when she called.

We talked for over an hour that first time. Our conversations were a lot asking questions and giving answers on both our parts. Our relationship grew, though there are still trust issues that have had to be overcome.

Going through the adoption process with our son, it made me think of the type of relationship he would have with his birthparents. Would it be though handwritten letters, or more likely, over email and FaceTime?

How has modern technology influenced the relationship with your child's birth families?

National Adoption Month

As we begin November, we leave all the pink ribbons behind in October.  Everyone knows what they represent and honor.  You can buy you're cereal with a pink ribbon on it, and even the NFL players are willing to wear pink one day a month.   Now that the month is behind us, the pink doesn't seem to be plastered everywhere.  However, do you know that November is known for something too, it's National Adoption Month.

There was quite the conversation that many of my friends on Twitter had.  Many of them had been touched by adoption, either as an adoptive mother or a birth mother.  It was during that conversation that my opinion about this being a 'special adoption month' changed.  Many times, this month is seen as a celebration, however this celebration often leaves out one critical part of the adoption triad.  Though the adoptive parents are beyond thrilled to celebrate the addition's to their family, it ignores the third side of the adoption triad, the birth families.  Though they may celebrate the life their child has, their pain and grief are mostly ignored for this month.

Our family has chosen not to celebrate this month anymore than we celebrate each day Isaac is in our life.  Instead, our goal is to bring awareness to all the many different aspects and types of adoption.   Though our family chose to adopt domestically through an agency, there is also foster to adopt, and kinship adoption, and private adoptions that happen.  These are each important and special types of adoption, often clouded by assumptions and misinformation by the general public.

As we go through this month, I think of Isaac's birthmother.  She's on my mind often, but the frequency increases when he hit's milestones and around holidays.  I think of how no one in her family knows what a brave woman she is, putting her son's life above her own feelings.  The only person that knows about the adoption is Isaac's birthfather, who lives several states away from her.  I often pray that the hurt and grief will become lessened  and that she will be able to find joy, no matter how small, in Isaac's life.  Though we don't have contact with his birth family at this time, I am lucky to know several birth moms.  They have each opened my eyes to the daily struggle and joy that they feel.  I am grateful for my friendship with them, because  they have made me much more aware and sensitive to the third, and often forgotten, side of the adoption triad.  

May you think of them too, and honor them with me.

Birthmother Support and Resources

Today's post comes from Monika, who is a birth mother through domestic adoption. At Give1 Domestic, we like to support all corners of the adoption triad to learn and grow from each other. Today's post is for any expectant mothers who have relinquished or are considering making an adoption plan (and also those of us who are APs or PAPs to learn from). You can find more of Monika’s writing on her blog, Monika’s Musings (www.musingmonika.com).

I was asked to write about resources for birth moms. Unfortunately there are not a lot of resources, but I do have some tips for dealing with the wide range of emotions common to the journey of being a birth mom.

Whether you’re new to the grief of being a birth mom or whether you’ve been a birth mom for a while, it’s most important to realize that you’re not alone and that it’s okay to grieve no matter how long it has been since you relinquished your child. I hope that your child’s parents have realized the importance of you in their child’s life and have continued a relationship with you past the time of your child’s birth and relinquishment. If you have a relationship with your child and his or her parents, that’s wonderful. If you don’t, I’m very sorry to hear that. If you're a birth parent and it was your idea to walk away, I encourage you to reach out to your child and his or her parents. If you are an adoptive parent, I'd consider attempting to contact your child's birth parent(s).

Even if you have an open adoption and are at peace with your decision to relinquish, the grief will never disappear.  You will have days when you feel like you’re at the bottom of a deep dark pit, and you will have days that go smoothly.  There will be events that you will expect to trigger at least a certain amount of grief and there will be times when your grief comes out of the blue and knocks you to your knees.

Come to terms with your decision. It is very important to come to terms with your decision for the best healing.  Even if you feel you were forced into the decision to relinquish, forgiveness is important. Forgive the people you feel controlled your adoption, most importantly yourself, whether you felt in control of the situation or whether you felt like someone else was controlling the situation and outcome. I know from experience that birth moms struggle with self-loathing because they aren’t parenting their child. Though in my own situation I’m at peace with my decision and I was not coerced into making that decision, I still struggle with self-loathing at least occasionally. I’ve found the more forgiveness you can give yourself and others, the more it helps you in your grief journey. You don’t have to confront the people with your forgiveness. Write down how you feel they wronged you. Then write down that you forgive them and mean it. Once you’ve done that, destroy it so you can let that part of the situation go. The same concept and application applies to forgiving yourself.

Reach out and find other birth moms. I didn’t really start healing until I found other women that had been through very similar experiences. Obviously no two experiences are exactly alike no matter how similar the circumstances. However, every birth mom shares the experience of carrying a child in our wombs and then giving that child to someone else who will call that child their own. My caseworker at the agency through which I relinquished told me about BirthMom Buds. Though BirthMom Buds has resources for expectant women considering adoption as well as some resources for adoptive parents, the main focus of the website and group is helping connect birth moms no matter where they live. The founders both live on the East Coast, and I live on the West Coast. I’ve still found that connection with other birth moms that was lacking in my life. You can find BirthMom Buds on their website at http://www.birthmombuds.com . The forums on that website are limited to birth moms, so you have the capability of talking about anything in complete privacy and confidence. Through the forums there is a hosted chat on Monday nights, even though the chat room is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. BirthMom Buds also has a Facebook page that is open to anyone: http://www.facebook.com/birthmombuds .  For anyone that would like insights into the thoughts and emotions birth moms may face, I suggest liking BirthMom Buds on Facebook to keep abreast of events and blog posts, and also you can subscribe to the quarterly newsletter.

Start a local support group. Unfortunately there’s online support, but not many in-person support groups. There’s a small list on the BirthMom Buds blog, but it’s solely lacking. If you do start a support group that even meets semi-regularly, I’m certain BirthMom Buds would love to know and spread the word about your group. It doesn’t matter how big or small your group. It can be you and one other birth mom. If you spend time together supporting each other, that’s what defines a support group. I’m fortunate enough to have access to a group through a local LDS Family Services office (though I didn’t relinquish through them and I’m not LDS, they’ve been welcoming). Until recently we would just get together and talk randomly about whatever was on the minds and hearts of the people there that particular evening.

Write. Even if you don’t consider yourself a writer, I would also suggest starting a journal. You don’t have to write complete sentences and paragraphs. You can write out single words – whatever comes to mind. You could draw, scribble, or paint. All of those are forms of journaling and I know from experience that keeping a journal is immensely therapeutic. If you find you enjoy writing, you can start a blog. When you start a blog, there are online communities of writers talking about their experiences. I’m unsure if there’s a general forum for the birth moms that blog about closed adoptions, but there is one for birth moms living open adoptions. It’s called Open Adoption Bloggers (http://openadoptionbloggers.com/) and it’s actually a gathering place for all members of the adoption triad – birth parents, adoptive parents, and even adoptees. Our leader, Heather, provides occasional writing prompts and an extensive blogroll. She’s actually an adoptive mom, and she and her husband have open adoptions with the birth families of all three of their children.

Hopefully the tips I’ve shared with you have been helpful. If anyone has other thoughts, I’d love to hear them!

Adoption Through Two Generations

This might look like any other family picture to you, grandparents glowing while their child and spouse hold the newest member of their family. And that’s what it is, in essence. My parent’s coming to visit my husband and I right after we got home with our son, Isaac.  However, to me, this picture is so much more.  It’s the happy ending that a mother promised her daughter would come.  

It was the answer to prayers that had been said.  It is the proof that all the tears and longings that those two women had for a family had been worth it.  It shows me how beautiful and wonderful adoption truly is.  

Because, in this picture, there isn't just one adoptive mother, but two.

My parents had been married 17 years when they adopted me.  They had been working with the state (who did all the adoptions at that time), but were actually matched with my birthmother through my Mom’s OB/GYN.  I was born on Saturday, and they got the call to ‘get ready’.  My Mom, Dad, and Grandma went on a shopping spree to prepare for me on Sunday, and my parents brought me home Monday (my Grandma’s birthday!). 

I know my adoption story.  Always have.  My parents started using ‘positive adoption language’ when I was very young, but to them, they were just doing the right thing.  They had no desire to hide anything, just to let me know how loved I was, by everyone involved.  Because I was born in the early 1980’s, it was a closed adoption, and since it was private, my parents got very little information from my birthmothers lawyer.  They knew basic info, height, complexion, age, hair color, eye color, where her family originated from, but nothing much more.   

As I grew older, they shared a bit more ‘age appropriate’ stuff with me, like the fact that my birthfather had been married, but had an affair that I was a product of.  That I have a half brother or sister very close in age, because both his wife and my birthmom were pregnant at the same time.  That the adoption plan my birthmom had made caused quite the conflict in her families relationships.  After that info, there wasn’t much more that they had, and with my records sealed, I would have to wait until I was 18 to try to get more info. 

As we were going through fertility treatments, I asked my Mom how she survived everything.  She had been diagnosed with endometriosis, and wasn’t ever given any treatment options.   I wondered how she made it through all of her friends getting pregnant, the baby shower invites, the newborns in church.  She shared stories, some that made me laugh, and some that made me realize, she knew the exact pain and hurt that I did.  We talked about her never being able to get pregnant, whereas I could get pregnant, but never could maintain the pregnancy.  We decided they each have their own type of pain and sadness.  

It was nice to know, that when I was sad, or depressed, or angry, that I had someone who had been there before that I could talk to.  Friends are great, but nothing beats a Mom who will listen to you, and TRULY understand what you are talking about.

When Travis and I began down the adoption path, we of course bounced a lot of things off my parents.  They had been here before, though we quickly realized our paths were quite different.  Many things have changed in the adoption world, and differences were a surprise to my parents.  As we went through our 8hr+ home study interviews and questioners, my Mom dug out their 2 page report that their social worker had written saying they were fit to have a child in their home.  As we agonized over our profile book, my Mom wondered how much my birthmother knew about them before she placed me with them.  When we were nervously driving the 8 hours to go meet our son’s birthparents, she told us she would never have had enough courage to do that.  While we were holding our son minutes after he was born, she wondered if she would have had the strength to do that, knowing that the placement might not happen. 

For us, each of those steps was just one more thing we had to do to bring Isaac home.  We really had no choice in most of them, because many agencies have similar requirements.  Just like, 29 years ago, my parents did what they had to do to bring me home, and just like 7years later, they did anything to bring my little brother home.  

Adoption isn’t easy, but you just do whatever you have to.  And the reward is worth it.   

I remember in the days after we got Isaac home, when it was just my Mom with us, she stood in my bathroom with me as I was holding Isaac and put her arms around both of us and cried.  After so many years of sad tears, from both of us, these were tears of joy.  

In that moment, she embraced her life, and how it had been blessed by adoption.  Through two generations.

Two Mothers?

Today we are featuring a guest post by Monika from Monika's Musings, a blog which discusses the adoption triad from a birth mother's point of view. The original post can be found here along with other posts that shine an all important light on this side of the adoption triad. 

A member of one of the birthmom support groups on Facebook of which I’m a part posted a question the other day that inspired me to do some thinking.  The birthmom referenced relinquished two daughters to adoption and she was uncertain how to refer to her daughters’ parents in their presence.  The example she used was a possible visit scenario where she might be having an interaction with her daughter and one of her daughter’s parents wanted her daughter.  She was asking how she would reference her daughter’s parents to her daughter in that situation.

The birthmoms, including me, that answered the post were all in agreement.  We would call our child’s parents by “Mom” and “Dad,” or by whatever our child calls them.  In other words, I call T & C “Mommy” and “Daddy” to her when I’m in her presence because that’s what she calls them.  When I’m not talking to Mack about her parents, I address them by their first names because though they are parents, they’re not my parents.  However I got the feeling by this specific birthmom’s question that though she knew that her children should be calling someone other than her by the term “mom,” she had some emotional difficulty with that thought.  I don’t blame her.  That’s one of the toughest things that we have to swallow as birthmoms.  It’s hard to hear the child you carried and nurtured for nine months call someone else “mom.”

Image credit

Along this same line, however, the fact that she’s no longer legally a mom doesn’t take away her biological motherhood, and the fact that she can love her daughters like the mother that she is.  This is a difficult concept for a lot of people to grasp whether they’re directly involved in adoption or not.  When I heard James Gritter speak in Portland he briefly touched on this subject.  His essential thought was that he preferred saying of his children, “I’m their father” instead of “They’re my kids.”  While I don’t mind saying of Mack that she’s my daughter, Jim is right to discourage the feelings of possession when talking about the kids we parent in one way or another.  His point is that kids aren’t possessions, and I agree.  They’re not things.  We do not purchase them, and a parent’s job is to raise those children to independent adulthood as independent beings, not as possessions.  I think when we encourage the feelings of possessiveness in ourselves or in each other, that “possession” can cause jealousy and hard feelings that are so abhorrent especially in open adoption situations.

When I refer to Mack as my daughter and myself as her mother, that doesn’t detract from T being Mack’s mother as well.  I also know that just because I’m Mack’s mother doesn’t mean I have the same authority in her life as T has in her life.  It’s okay for us to both be “mother” since we’re both clear about the roles we have and had in our daughter’s life.  As an example, I have a couple of friends whose kids call me “auntie.”  There’s no biological or adoptive relationship there other than the fact that their mothers and I are close enough emotionally to feel like sisters.  However, my being called a familial term does not take away from the child’s aunts that have that biological or legal relationship, nor does their relationship with that same child take away from my role in that child’s life.  Let’s put it another way.  Imagine a set of parents has two children.  It doesn’t matter whether those children are biologically related or not.  Don’t both of those children call their parents “Mom” and “Dad?”  One of those children calling his or her mom, “Mom” doesn’t take away from the fact that this same person is also “Mom” to that other child.

Additionally the birthmom that posed the question also referred to her daughters as “birth daughters.”  I don’t call Mack my “birth daughter.”  I call her my daughter.  In the same way that me calling myself Mack’s mother doesn’t take away from T’s role as her mom, my referring to Mack as my daughter instead of my “birth daughter” doesn’t mean that she’s any less her parent’s daughter.  She doesn’t need an additional qualifier.  I relinquished my rights to her, but that doesn’t mean she was only my daughter until I relinquished my rights to her.

So to the birthmom that asked that question: You are your daughter’s mom.  She is your daughter, not your “birth daughter.”  She will grow up knowing who you are and your role in her life just as she will grow up knowing her mom and her mom’s role in her life.  One does not detract from the other.

What is Open Adoption: One Birthmom's Perspective

Our submission today is by Monika, who blogs at Monika's Musings. Monika became a birthmom at 34 years old.  She currently lives near Tacoma, WA, with Nick, her partner and daughter’s birthdad.  They enjoy an open adoption with their daughter and her parents, who live near Portland, OR. Monika will be blogging on occasion at Give1 to help give a valuable birth parent perspective for our domestic page. 

What Is Open Adoption?

I’m unsure how much education those of you who are reading this have had on adoption.  Education requirements about the types of adoption seem to vary from state to state and even agency to agency.  I know a lot of birth mothers were sold open adoption as a fix for the grief inherent in adoption, but most of the adoptive parents I know, including my daughter’s parents, educated themselves in addition to the classes required by their agencies.  It is my hope that this article will help to eliminate any possible confusion you might have.

Those of us living in open adoptions have a hard time defining exactly what an open adoption can be.  The simplest way to define open adoption is that the biological parent(s) and the adoptive parent(s) have a relationship after the birth and relinquishment of the child, for the benefit of that child.  This relationship can entail letters, phone calls, emails, visits, or a combination of those.  People entering into an agreement to continue the relationship do not have to commit to all forms of contact.  There is flexibility depending on the comfort levels of the people involved.  In my own adoption situation, we committed to update letters sent through the agency 4 times a year and visits at a neutral location a few times a year.  We communicate more than that now and most adoption situations that have started with less openness have become more open as the relationship evolves.

Some pros in open adoption include:

• The “birth mom” is not scary because she is known.  People tend to have fears in adoption because nothing but basic information is known about the child’s family of origin.  There are fears that the child’s birth mom will come and steal the child, which are proven unfounded if an actual relationship exists.

• The adoptive parents having access to more than the child’s history of diseases means that the parents have a greater knowledge and greater ability to predict what behaviors the child might develop.  A parent raising a biological child is able to predict possible behaviors because they know their child’s biological family.  Adoptive parents don’t have the capability of prediction or behavioral recognition without consistent contact with the child’s birth family.  My daughter’s mother has said on many occasions that both she and my daughter’s father love having a relationship with their daughter’s birthfather and me because they can see where their daughter gets her “quirks.”

• Because the child knows both sets of his parents, he or she doesn’t feel like it’s a betrayal of his parents when he or she develops natural curiosity about his or her roots.  The inherent curiosity about more than just his or her biological history of disease has been reflected in many adoptees, whether from open or closed adoption situations.

There are no “cons” in open adoption, per se.  Since the entire idea behind open adoption is to benefit the adopted child, which it does, it’s hard to see negatives in the situation.  However there have been some arguments against open adoption.

I heard a story of a hopeful adoptive parent that told a birth mother panel she was attending that she wanted a closed adoption so she wouldn’t have to “deal” with the birth family.  Unfortunately what this hopeful parent was denying is the fact that she’ll always have to deal with the birth family in the form of that child whether the adoptive family has any direct contact with the birth family or not.  Biology cannot be erased by a legal transfer of parenting duties from the birth family to the adoptive family.

It can be hard to trust, which is essential to the building of any relationship, most especially an open adoption relationship.  A mother who is considering adoption experiences the difficulty of trust.  She has to pick a set of parents to whom she will entrust her child.  That is a great sacrifice and requires a large amount of trust that the parents she’s chosen will treat her child better than she feels she can treat him or her.  A mother relinquishing to adoption can easily understand the fear of building a relationship with someone you barely know as we do that when we entrust you with our children to raise as your own.  An adoptive parent has to trust that not only will the new birth parent not destroy the relationship we’ve created but we will continue to verify that same relationship with our words and actions.  When a birth parent relinquishes and has chosen the person or people she feels will do the best job raising her baby, she doesn’t want to break up that relationship.  I know that we’ve all heard the nightmare stories of birth parents working to destroy a family.  However, all of the birth mothers I know would never even think of taking their child from his or her parents.  It doesn’t make sense to us.  We relinquish for the benefit of our children, not for our benefit.  We choose our child’s parents because they can provide things that are important to us for our child to have.  When our child gets those things, we’re not going to try to take those things away.

There is an argument that a child growing up in an open adoption won’t know his or her parents.  My daughter knows who her parents are.  She calls them Mom and Dad, and she calls her birth father and I by our first names.  She knows that Mom & Dad provide her food, comfort, a place to sleep, and lots of love.  She knows that her birth parents are people that love her and visit occasionally.  When she gets older she will know that she came from us.  But that won’t change her love for her parents, nor will it cause her confusion.  I’ve never heard it said that more information about anything causes confusion, and an open adoption situation gives the child and his or her parents more information.

There are more arguments against an open adoption which I hope to address at a later date.  But I also hope that this might give you a different point of view on the possibility of having an open adoption when you adopt.

How a Closed Adoption is Opening My Eyes

When I started on the path to adoption, I did not know if I wanted an open, semi-open, or closed adoption.*  My gut was telling me that I wanted a closed adoption because of all the horror stories that were being disseminated by those with zero knowledge of adoption.  Specifically, the stories concerning an open adoption included the birthparents either (a) coming to my house to take my child in the night; (b) coming my house at least once a week confusing my child; (c) convincing my child to go live with them; or (d) guilting me into giving them their every desire because of the gift they gave me.  My rationale/logical mind knew that all of the above was crazy, but my stressed-out/confused/anxious/paranoid self believed it all.  The bad stuff is easier to believe than the good sometimes, especially when it comes to adoption.

Well, as it turned out, the decision was not mine to make.  The birthmother wanted the adoption closed.

I had limited knowledge of our birthmother, her circumstances, or her appearance.  One thing I did know, however, is that we lived in the same city.

I received the call that she was going to deliver, so my husband and I rushed to the hospital.  I knew her mother would be there, and maybe some friends, but I had no idea who they were.  Every person that walked by was scrutinized… “Is that her mom?”  “Is that her friend?”  “Is that the birthfather?”  (By the way, the scrutinization of every almost ever person never goes away when you live in the same town as the birthparents.)

For months after her birth, I stared at my daughter wondering where her long eyelashes came from, her fair hair and skin, her grin, her eye color, her appetite and her height.  When you have an open adoption, you have the answer to most of those questions; but in a closed adoption, you have very few answers, if any.

Speaking of answers, that is what my daughter is going to be wanting in a few years.  “Who is my birthmother?”  “Who is my birthfather?”  “Why am I tall?”  “Why did they place me for adoption?” “Why? Why? Why?”  I may have a few answers and educated guesses – but the people with the true answers will be virtually unavailable.

The situation I thought I wanted is starting to seem the most precarious.  I would love to be able to tell our birthmom how beautiful our daughter is, how smart, funny, and talented she is.  I’d love to see their resemblance, and have my daughter see it, too.  I’d love to know if they have the same laugh, sense of humor, taste in food.  I’d love to be able to get the answers to the questions that are going to be inevitable.  I’d love… I’d love… I’d love…  But you know the thing I would love the most?  To be able to thank her for the most loving and selfless thing a woman could ever do.  To thank her for making my life complete and my heart smile.  And to thank her for making me a mom.

I hope someday to be able to do just that – to thank her.  There is a possibility that we will get to meet our birthmom someday, but that’s another post for another day!


<3 Samantha


*Please note that the use of “I” in this post is for ease of writing only… my husband had a 50% say in what happened throughout our adoption process!

Semi Open Adoption: From My Perspective

Today's post comes from Brandi who has adopted both internationally and domestically and is one of our Give1 Domestic bloggers. Her blog home is at www.ourcongojourney.blogspot.com

Every domestic adoptive family has to make a life changing decision in their adoption process. Most adoptive parents leave this choice to their children's biological parent/parents.

Ever hear of closed adoption...semi-open...open adoption and wonder what this means? Here is the definition of semi-open adoption I found online:

*Semi-Open Adoptions: A form of adoption that is intentionally designed to be a combination of a more traditional closed adoption and a more progressive open adoption, with the emphasis being on the "privacy" of all parties, rather than on "confidentially." Direct communication after the adoption is more limited, in the fashion that is agreed by the parties to be beneficial for everyone. Last names, addresses, and telephone numbers are usually not exchanged, while the sharing of photographs or other information for an agreed frequency and duration is common. All communication takes place through a third party, which is usually an adoption agency, an adoption attorney or a designated intermediary.

A semi-open adoption is the type of adoption we have with our son's biological mom. We wanted a completely open adoption, but we also wanted to respect our son's biological mom's choice and so we let her choose. While our situation with our son's biological mom is not exactly the same as the definition above we went with what we were most comfortable with and it works for us.

At first when we received the call she wanted a closed adoption. By the time we were ready to leave the hospital she changed her mind and chose a semi-open adoption. It's important that every family chooses the right decision for them. Semi-open adoption gave us (the adoptive parents) the option to be as open as possible to D (our son's biological mom) while also giving her the option to be as open or as closed as she wants. We agreed to exchange phone numbers, email, and her address as well as our Po Box, send her pictures and updates a few times a year because that is what we were comfortable with doing. She agreed to accept these updates, but at the same time she can choose to open those updates when and if she is ready. This works for our family. I love our semi-open adoption with D. She is an incredible woman and someone I want my son to be proud to have as a biological mom. She is a very special part of him and that is why I love her so much. She took care of him and herself for the 9 months he spent in her womb. She also made the best decision she could for him. I've always thought highly of mothers who are able to put their children and their children's needs before their own. That's what D did for our son.

I know that not every situation is like ours. Ultimately in making the decision closed, semi-open, or open adoption you should first think about your child/children. What is best for them? For example: D is not a bad example for our son. She is an incredible woman and when my son meets her I hope he sees D as a hero. She is someone I don't mind him looking up to because I know she wouldn't be a bad example for him. A friend of mine adopted a sibling group (2) through foster care. After the adoption was final she made every attempt to keep it open for as long as she could, but a few months later she had to sever ties with their biological mom because she was being a bad example. It was a painful decision for my friend to make, but she made the best decision she could during that time. She hopes that their biological mom will become the example their children need her to be, but until then the adoption is closed with hopes that eventually it can be opened again.

As a potential adoptive parent you should not agree to an open or semi-open adoption in an attempt to get a baby. I've heard of some adoptive parents agreeing to an open or semi open adoption with their biological child's mom and then when their child was born they closed it for no reason other than just agreeing to whatever the biological mom wanted before the baby was born so that they could get a baby. This is NOT right and if you don't think you can handle an open or semi open adoption then do NOT agree to one. This is something very important to discuss with your agency. If you are not open to a semi-open or open adoption then make sure your adoption agency does not show you to potential biological parents who do want a semi or open adoption. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to you.