Like most people that look into adoption.....I can't have babies.
There. I said it. It's in black and white.
For the longest time I couldn't say it. I wouldn't acknowledge it. I thought that if I acknowledged it, maybe it would be true. A definite set in stone sort of thing. A sort of, I have a uterus yet it's just sort of taking up space sort of thing.
Finding out you have infertility is hard. For me, the hardest parts were knowing that I couldn't do something everyone else seemed able to do. I took for granted the times I pushed family planning back in my mind, in our married lives, because we always seemed to have time later for that talk. But once you realize that you want something you can't have, it's like trying to hold onto wet sand.
I spent a long time and a lot of energy trying to hold onto something I never had.
What I want to say today, to those who are still waiting for their children......whether it is from pregnancy, or adoption, or fostering, or surrogacy, or however you are building your family......is that it's going to be worth the wait.
Pregnancy for us - it never happened. Yet the children I have now in our home are loved more than I ever thought I'd have the capacity to love a person. They didn't come into our family in the way I thought we would have created it, yet I know that they came at the exact time we were supposed to meet. I don't mean to take away from the hurts that are caused by adoption, or those from infertility, but I do know that both our our stories merged in a way that allowed all our hearts to mend. There really is no other way I can describe it.
Does my family look like I had pictured it? Absolutely not. I had no idea what was in store for us when we disembarked the fertility roller coaster to pursue adoption. I also had no idea that the first time I would hold my children wouldn't be in a maternity ward.....but in an airport, and on another continent.
I look at my children now, all three of them and I think........I can't believe you're here. I waited for you for so long. I hope you always know how much we hoped for you. All of you. We just didn't know at time time what all the wait was for.
You were totally, absolutely worth the wait.