"To Remember Is Painful, To Forget Is Impossible."
I could apply this to different aspects of my life, but right now it's pertaining to the multiple miscarriages I've had.
Most of the time I'm perfectly accepting of my miscarriages...or my brain just chooses not to process the staggering amount of them I've had since me and Ryan tied the knot in 2006. But then there are some days I grieve deeply. Days where I do shed a few tears. Days where my heart hurts so badly I wonder if that pain will ever go away.
I shouldn't be thinking about that right? I have two beautiful children that God has tremendously blessed our family with by way of adoption. So why do I still have these sad days?
This may come as a total shock to some of you, but I did not adopt Aiden and Abigail to replace the babies I miscarried. They were and will never be my second choice for adding to our family. Over the years I've realized that grieving these little losses was and is okay. It doesn't mean I love Aiden and Abigail less. It just means that I didn't lose Aiden and Abigail like I lost my other babies.
I'm not exactly sure what triggered my aching heart today, but by the time it turned dark outside I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to cry out some of my grief. Tears were beginning to push their way out of my eyeballs even though I was trying to ignore it. I had to go somewhere...preferably a room with a locked door ;) Then I remembered the ultrasound pictures I have of 1 of my losses. I put them in a drawer in my room so that's where I shut myself up and cried it out. Not two minutes into my crying session my precious Aiden started trying to beat the door down yelling..."mommy, you locked me out!" :) That child can always put a smile on my face no matter what circumstances I am facing. I began trying to swipe at the tears that were still flowing and trying to get a grip on my emotions. I kept asking myself what in the world was I still doing locked in my room crying for babies that have been long gone when I have two beautiful children just outside that locked door? Two beautiful children I could hold, hug, and kiss. Two beautiful children who are very much alive and well.
I'll just say this...I obviously survived these multiple miscarriages...and I'm sure there will be more in the future...but as a mama I have every right to grieve what I lost. No matter how many children we fill our home and lives with (adopted and/or biological) part of my heart will always ache for these losses. ALL of them. Time heals wounds to the point where it doesn't hurt every single second of every single day, but no matter how much time passes I will always ache, and at times deeply grieve for what I've lost and it's okay to do that! It doesn't make me a bad mama. I'd like to think that it will show my children when they get older and begin to understand more about their adoptions that it is okay for them to grieve the family they lost.